This time of year

Why is it that this time of year is so hard on us who have suffered through a loss? Why is it that when the chill in the air comes, so does our sadness even more so? Why is it that instead of rushing for gifts our hearts are sad and full and the ONE thing we want most, we can't have?

I can't imagine us all in heaven- Knowing what challenges were up ahead and yet we still came to this earth to live through them. Back when my grief was so fresh, I used to tell people that I stood in the wrong line in heaven. There is no way that I would have volunteered to lose a child. But as the months have gone by and the sorrow lightened a bit, I have realized that I am not the only one with this loss. It is not just about me.

I am the primary chorister and was teaching a song to my little Jr primary. For those of you who have been in primary might know it but its called "Picture a Christmas" I want to list the first verse and chorus for those who aren't familiar with the words:

Picture a stable in Judea

Picture a sacred silent night

And can you hear, The Angels near

And see the star so bright

Picture the little baby Jesus

Think of his life and words so dear

Sing praise to Him

REMEMBER Him

As you picture Christmas this year.

Isn't it true that we can get all caught up and forget the real meaning of Christmas? I was talking to a good friend a while back and we were discussing Taylor. She asked if I would have still gone through the pregnancy even if I knew beforehand that he would pass away. I didn't even hesitate. OF COURSE. She said that Heavenly Father knew that his Son would die and yet sent Him anyway- for all of us! So that we could return to Him and our loved ones again. What an amazing gift that we received when Jesus was born. I am truly grateful for that sacrifice and yet the holidays will always bring a sadness for me, there is also a peace as well. I know that Taylor has some pretty important work up in heaven before we come. Christmas seems to have more of the TRUE meaning shine through for me now. I am blessed and can't wait when my real "gift" will come to be with my WHOLE family again.

I wish that we all REMEMBER the true meaning of the holiday season and hope that this coming year will bring much happiness and joy to all.

Thinking of Taylor

I had a lot to say on his birthday post so I thought it would be fitting to just show pictures of him and the things that are inside his memory box.

I love this close up of his hand. It makes me want to reach out and hold it tight.

I love this picture of Taylor. He looks so warm and safe.

I love this picture because he looks so peaceful.

This was the outfit that Jackson picked out for him to wear. I love the red car.

Happy 2nd Birthday to my sweet little Tay Tay

2 years ago today, I was in the hospital. Planning on a baby coming soon, Planning on bringing a baby home, Planning on adding a wonderful addition to our family... Not expecting, not prepared for what would happen next.

Last night, I couldn't sleep. I know why. I couldn't sleep the night of Dec 1,2006. I kept picturing in my mind things working out differently. If I had only gone in sooner...

My house is uncharacteristically quiet right now. So, I decided to take out his memory box. The shoes that Santa had gotten for him still in its box unopened. The giraffe outfit that Big sis picked out for him to come home in. The outfit that Big bro picked out for him to wear. My pregnancy test. The ultrasound pics. The sympathy cards. All of these things mean an awful lot. Until I look at HIS outfit and hat he wore in the hospital. I can still to this day picture Taylor in this outfit. I can remember the little hat that covered his head. (he didn't have a lot of hair) Prior to my C-section, the nurses came in asking what outfit I liked best for him to wear. I remember that the other outfit was a Winnie the Pooh jammie and although it was cute, it didn't compare to the white gown with the words "Little Angel" imprinted on the front.

We put up our Christmas tree. It amazes me how hard it is to look at this tree. On that special night when I couldn't sleep, I crept out into our living room and plugged in our tree. This same tree. I just stared at its beauty. The lights and decorations. Now, this same tree means so much more. It was with its lights on glowing bright, that I knelt down and prayed harder than I ever had. I prayed for Taylor to wake up and move. I prayed for strength. I prayed for my kids. I prayed that I would know what to do and to have peace. After that prayer, I did have peace. I remember the tree was blurry with the constant flow of tears. Yet, with this peace I didn't know that he was gone. But I did know that I wasn't alone.

Letter to Taylor:

Happy Birthday little one.

I keep thinking about this day and what we would be doing if you were here. I know if you are like your brother and sisters, you love cake and especially the frosting. I am sure that you would even want to help me make and frost your cake. Big bro was into cars at this age and I am sure that we would have lots of cars to give you.

I think of who you would look like and who your disposition would resemble. I have seen a lot of little boys lately that are close to your age and picture you in them. They are rowdy and fun and have a LOT of energy. You would be starting to talk and really express how you feel. You would play ball with daddy and cuddle with momma. Your siblings would adore you.

I miss you terribly. I am so proud to be your momma and to have you in our family. I am so jealous of Lil' sis who got to spend time with you in heaven before coming here. She smiles up at you and loves when I mention my little Tay Tay. I know that she knows you.

I promise to never forget the time that I got to share with you. From the sweet little kicks and horrible heartburn, to the holding and cuddling and staring at your little sweet face.
Although you never got to come to this place, you will always and forever be my angel and momma's boy.

Until we meet again, Love Always, Momma