To those who have lost a child... May this bring some comfort this holiday season.

I’M SPENDING CHRISTMAS

WITH JESUS CHRIST THIS YEAR

I see the countless Christmas trees,

Around the world below

With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars,

Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,

Please wipe away that tear.

For I’m spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs,

That people hold so dear.

But the sounds of music can’t compare

With the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you

The joy their voices bring.

For it is beyond description

To hear an angel sing.

I can’t tell you of the splendor,

Or the peace here in this place.

Can you just imagine Christmas

With our Savior, face to face?

I’ll ask Him to light your spirit,

As I tell Him of your love.

So then pray one for another

As you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful,

And let your spirit sing,

For I’m spending Christmas in Heaven,
And I’m walking with the King.

Author unknown-

3 L-O-N-G Years

I can't honestly believe that it has been 3 long years.. 3 years since I found out I was pregnant, I felt him move and kick and hicccup. 3 years since the ultrasound when we found out it was a healthy baby boy. 3 years since the HORRIBLE heartburn and back pain. I remember ALWAYS without fail, at 10pm each night you would dance, and flip and kick.. It was your happy time. Until December 1st. I didn't feel you move, dance, kick.. It's been 3 very long, tough years. I can still picture your little face- you had my nose. The first of my kids to get my nose (poor kid). You had the longest fingers. I can remember how quiet and calm everyone seemed to be. Especially Abbey. For a just turned 4 year old who normally bounces off the walls, it was so weird. But in a way, she knew. Kids know.. Libby has learned to say "Tay Tay" and she knows where in the house to find his pictures and his special bear.

What a journey though. My husband and I were talking on the eve of his birthday and he turned to me and said, "There is one good thing out of all of this. We wouldn't have Libby!" True. We always wanted our 3 kids (2 boys and 1 girl) but Heavenly Father had a different plan. We might not understand it yet. But I believe one day we will.

I spent the day going through his memory box, looking through his scrapbook and remembering that sad day.. My parents, kids and I went to his grave, decorated his Christmas tree, sang Happy Birthday, and released 3 balloons. We all wrote a message to Taylor on the balloons. It was very cold and very windy, but it was good to be with him. A great friend brought us soup and another brought me a sweet gift. It was a sad day. An anniversary. A birthday without him.

Tiny Angels

Tiny Angels rest your wings

sit with me for awhile.

How I long to hold your hand,

And see your tender smile.

Tiny Angel, look at me,

I want this image clear....

That I will forget your precious face

Is my biggest fear.

Tiny Angel can you tell me,

Why you have gone away?

You weren't here for very long....

Why is it, you couldn't stay?

Tiny Angel shook his head,

"These things I do not know....

But I do know that you love me,

And that I love you so".

Author Unknown

The Dance

I heard this song today and thought of Julie's experiences with little Taylor.

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared,
Beneath the stars above...

For a moment, all the world was right
How could I have known,
That you'd ever say good-bye...

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end,
The way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance...

I could have missed the pain,
But I'd of had to miss the dance.
Holding you I held everything.
For a moment, wasn't I the king?

But if I'd only known how the king might fall...
Hey, who's to say?
You know I might have changed it all...

And now, I'm glad I didn't know,
The way it all would end,
The way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance...

I could have missed the pain,
But I'd of had to miss the dance...
My life is better left to chance...

I could have missed the pain,
But I'd of had to miss the dance.

~ Garth Brooks ~

Julie- you had a brief nine month dance with Taylor. One day you will hold him in your arms and dance again.

1 more day...

http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/Dhhf-a9gnMF6futO1pnrmw?feat=directlink


Please visit this video I made in honor of Taylor's 3rd Birthday.. How I wish that things were different and I was making you a birthday cake and decorating the house, instead, I am going through your memory box and decorating your grave.

Another Poem to Ponder

Little Angels

When God calls little children

to dwell with him above,

We mortals sometimes question

the wisdom of His love.

For no heartache compares

with the death of one small child,

Who does so much to make our world

seem wonderful and mild.

Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold,

So He picks a rosebud, before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them,

and so He takes but a few

To make the land of heaven

more beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult

still somehow we must try,

The saddest word mankind knows

will always be "Goodbye.

"So when a little child departs,

we who are left behind

Must realize God loves children,

angels are hard to find.

Author Unknown

I am missing Tay Tay today. Hope that he knows that I think of him everyday. Why is it that when the weather turns cold, the emotions are that much closer to the surface? This is still so hard...

A poem to ponder

I'll Hold You in Heaven

From the very beginning I loved you,
As I made plans to hold you and rock you:
You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,
But something went wrong and soon you were gone;
My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,
I'd never known such heartache and pain.

I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,
Do you have my smile and his eyes?
Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?
We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.
It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,
Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.


I'll hold you in heaven someday,When my trials on earth pass away;
The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,
I know you're waiting for me;I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",
But I'll hold you in heaven someday.

In loving memory of Darrell Keith and Melody Joy Taylor.
(c) 1998 Jo Ann Taylor All Rights Reserved

Who decides?

I am writing this post and I am feeling very hurt, sad, angry, alone.. all at the same time. I just don't understand how people can be... I just don't get it. Confused? Well, let me explain.

It all started when I visited a blog(which shall remain annonymas)who also lost a child. I loved this blog. I would read it religiously. I loved to read all the emotions that she would give in her entires. I felt a connection to her, having suffered a tremendous loss, but also just because she felt like family. I read in her latest entry about a group that caters to mothers who have lost children.. And they were looking for mothers out there who would want to join.. I thought to myself, "This will be a great oppurunity to get to know other mothers, who have grieved, who have lost, who have cried... I want to join!" I emailed her and was anxiously awaiting her reply when I received such a dissapointment.

I was told that I couldn't join "their" group because I did not lose a live child. My heart sank. I felt sick to my stomach.. Who gets to decide that my child wasn't alive for 38 weeks and 5 days? Who decides that my loss is less/much greater than another? Who decides that my pain is not valid, not appropriate? A LOSS is a LOSS period.. No if's ands or buts about it. No one should be the judge of your own heart. Everyone grieves in their own way. Some have a harder time than others, but doesn't make them a weak person for it. I AM still GRIEVING. My heart still aches, breaks when I think about him. I have not gone 1 full day without thinking about him. He is a part of my life. He will always be. He is ALIVE within my heart.

I found a wondeful support group that caters to those who have lost a baby/infant to miscarriage, stillbirth, or newborn death. It is comforting to know that there I can find people that DO feel the same way as I do. I am not posting this to get back at anyone.. I am just posting this because I am frustrated and feel that I need to express my feelings. :(

I found this beautiful poem online about the loss of a pregnancy. I thought I would share it..

Elisabeth's Poem
For Elisabeth Grace 1/14/98

We didn't know you would be
so beautiful and so tiny,
eyes yet unopened,
red rosy lips, a small button nose,
delicate fingers and tiny toes.

We didn't know how much
we would miss,
ever hearing the sound of your cry.
Silence is not golden, it is horrible.

We didn't know the hours we held you close,
would seem so pitifully short.
We didn't know the numbness we felt
the day we lost you, would wear off,
without any mercy on our aching hearts.

We didn't know the true meaning
of the words,
sadness and sorrow.
Now we know...
and now it hurts.

I received this award from a wonderful lifelong friend who has an amazing blog about this chaos we call life...

http://3scoopsofchaos.blogspot.com/

Thanks so much for thinking of me! When I set out with this blog, I had no idea that I would be getting any kind of an award. The award was for me to heal and to help others who have suffered loss.

The butterfly symbolizes transformation or a joyful life.
Butterflies teach us that patience brings its rewards and as long as we keep working and developing ourselves the final glorious butterfly stage will come. joy is my goal, joy is my reality, joy will come, joy is here now. When we encounter butterflies in our daily lives they are always a joy to find and a good totem. When one day you open your curtains and a butterfly flutters up you know that a glorious change is taking place in your life. You see the butterfly flutter his wings, almost dancing along. This is what butterfly teaches, that true joy is within the dance of life.

Thanks Jen! :)

I am sending this award to a friend, Andrea, who also has lost a sweet baby, Wyatt. She cherishes all butterflies and calls them her Wyatt moments. Thank you for sharing your true feelings with me.

http://andrealarsen.blogspot.com/

A poem says it all

I Lost My Child Today

by Netta Wilson, 1996


I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry,As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say,
To try and make the pain go away,
I walked the floor in disbelief,
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away,
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream.
This can't be real. I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,
God, help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year.
Now people who had come, have gone.
I sit and struggle all day long.
To bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
"She must move on and leave this place."
Yet I am trapped right here in time,
The songs the same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child......Today.

This poem fits the mold perfectly. How neighbors, friends, family remember for a short time, but he is lost in your heart forever. Yes, the pain lessens, the tears slowly subside, but you ALWAYS remember. You will never forget. You don't want to forget.

"I am thinking of you my little one. Just wondering what you are doing.. Are you playing in the clouds? Are you playing with your family and friends? Do you remember me? Do you know how much we love and think of you? Do you know Angel Logan? His mommy sent me a quote that sums how I feel standing here without you. "—“You feel frozen while the world is still rushing on around you. No matter how many people are there for you, you have to go through this by yourself”. I love you and will always love you forever and always. Love Mommy"

Dedicated with Love to my Sister Keri

God answers so many of my little prayers,

so why not the big ones too?

I just can't understand it

Why does He do the things he decides to do?

My deepest desire lies unfullfilled

I feel so hopeless inside

I know I should be thankful

and not so full of pride.

I ask God every dayfor this or that, you know, little things.

And when He answers so clearly

my heart just really sings.

But in those deep, pondering moments

When I ask for the desire of my heart

,I get no clear answer

and then my tears start

,Oh God, I want a baby

to hold and kiss and love

I know that You alone can give me

that blessing from above.

I keep waiting, waiting, waiting

and my patience grows to despair.

Oh why can't I have a baby?

For nothing else I truely care.

I know You haven't forgotten me

for better things to do

because You answer all my little prayers,

I just wish You'd fulfill my big one, too.

By Stephanie Marottek9/25/01

I hope this poem might help. We are not the only ones that feel like this and you are such a strong daughter of our Heavenly Father. He LOVES you and KNOWS how you are feeling. I LOVE you and KNOW how you are feeling. Just think of all the beautiful children you will have after the Millienium- they will be able to play with Taylor!

I miss you today...

I found this poem online and had to share:
Dandelions From Heaven

Mothers Day is coming...and I wanted to send you a sign...
Something you can tell others..."Is from an angel of mine".
So I searched the Heavens high and low for that perfect thing..
And low and behold I found it....and a smile I hope it will bring.

So when you look to the Heavens...and see the yellow stars in the sky...
Just think of me...your angel... in the Heavens way up high...
And just imagine those stars...are dandelions up above...
Yes! Dandelions are also in Heaven...,which you know how much I love.

So on this Mothers Day... when you awake and feel blue...
You will notice those yellow stars...are no longer in view...
So just look to the meadows and the dandelions you see....
Are the ones I've tossed down this Mothers Day from me!

And when you find a dandelion that has turned from yellow to white...
You're supposed to make a wish...and then blow with all your might.
For you will be blowing kisses... to me in Heaven above....
And I will be catching them and blowing them back...sent with all my love.

Please know that I am with you...on this Mothers Day...
And also in the days ahead...God and I will never stray...
We will be with you in the morning...when you wake and see the sun..
We will be with you when you say your prayers...when the day is done.

For God and I will never be...very far from your side...
For I can now be everywhere...and God will be your guide...
So...remember when you see dandelions...its your guarantee...
That I am alway close to you....
For dandelions are free to roam.....now just like me.

I will always be with you Mom....
Happy Mothers Day
Love, Your Angel in Heaven.

A Tay Tay Day

I am fighting back tears. We visited Taylor's grave today. I wanted to go on Easter, but with everything else going on we didn't make it. I had all the kids with me and we went as kind of a family night (minus Nate on business). We had a pinwheel to set on his grave and a duck (thanks Nana). It was amazing how calm it was, yet the pinwheel wouldn't stop spinning. I told my kids that that was Taylor's way of saying hello and he is near by. My kids were awfully quiet (not like them AT ALL) just watching that pinwheel spin.

My youngest was the one that struck me the hardest. We had set all the things down at his grave. I was trying to take a cute picture of all of them, but she wouldn't take her eyes off of his grave. She was just staring- We were there a while and decided to go. I had the 2 older kids hold her hands and walk with her. She tried and fought it. She kept turning back and wanting to go to Taylor. She didn't want to leave him. She kept looking over her shoulder and had this sad look on her face. It completely broke my heart how this little baby could feel him and want him so much. The kids let go of her arms to see where she would go. I thought it would be straight to me(she is a mommas girl) but you guessed it, it was straight to Tay. It was so powerful to see. She truly is my earth angel and knows Taylor. She was sent to me when I needed her the most.

Taylor moments

We were in out of town this weekend and I had 3 Taylor moments.

The first was at the Palisade Lake. We (my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, niece, Big sis and lil'sis) went to the Park at the Lake. It was a beautiful day on Friday. So warm, so nice. We decided to take a stroll along the Lake. It was so blue, so peaceful. We got back to the car to change a diaper, and a light blue butterfly almost flew into our car. I freaked out at first, and then realized what it really was, and he was gone.

The second was at my in-laws. It was Saturday and realllly windy. We stayed inside most the day. Lil' sis was enjoying a new territory to explore. She has started this thing where she just says "Mumma, Mumma, Mumma" over and over again. I grabbed her and was looking out the window with her. Instead of looking forward, she was looking straight up in the clouds. I just watched for a moment, enjoying her expressions. And then, the biggest grin I have ever seen came on her face. For a minute, I thought there was a bird, but quickly realized that she was smiling at my Tay Tay. It was over before you knew it and her attention was focused on something else, but deep down I knew that she saw him.

The last one was this morning. I had contracted a lovely dose of food poisoning and was sick ALL night long. Lil' sis slept wonderfully, which was GREAT! We had forgotten our playpen and so she was in bed with us. She was so peaceful while she slept. I whispered in her ear and said, "Are you dreaming of Taylor?" and the cutest thing happened. She smiled again. But this time she was in a deep sleep!!

I am so grateful for Lil' sis in my life and for the closeness that she has with Taylor.

Sweet pics of my Tay

While Waiting for Thee

Don't weep at my grave,

For I am not there,

I've a date with a butterfly

To dance in the air.

I'll be singing in the sunshine,

Wild and free,

Playing tag with the wind,

While I'm waiting for thee.

Author unknown

Dealing With the Loss of a Loved One
Events like anniversaries or holidays can sometimes prolong or reintroduce grief.

Just after a death or loss, you may feel empty and numb, as if you are in shock. You may notice physical symptoms such as trembling, nausea, difficulty breathing, muscle weakness, dry mouth, or trouble sleeping and eating. You may become angry at a situation, a particular person, or just angry in general. Almost everyone experiencing grief also feels guilt. Guilt is often expressed in statements that begin with "I could have," "I should have," and "I wish I would have." People who are grieving may also have strange dreams or nightmares, be absentminded, withdraw socially, or lack the desire to return to work. While these feelings and behaviors are normal during grief, they will pass.

Grief lasts as long as it takes you to accept and learn to live with your loss. For some people, grief lasts a few months. For others, grieving may take years. Sometimes an anniversary or special holiday, such as Valentine's Day, may trigger feelings of grief. The length of time spent grieving is different for each person. There are many reasons for the differences, including personality, health, coping style, culture, family background, and life experiences. The time spent grieving also depends on your relationship with the person lost and how prepared you were for the loss.
Every person who experiences a death or other loss must complete a four-step grieving process:
Accept the loss
Work through and feel the physical and emotional pain of grief
Adjust to living in a world without the person or item lost
Move on with life
The grieving process is complete when a person completes these important steps.

A good friend of mine emailed this to me. She, too, has suffered the loss of a child and knows how it feels. I thought it was fitting for my blog and to be used to help others who may be starting the grieving process, or like me, may still be feeling it after two years.

I have to be honest though. I don't agree with the last step in the process. Move on with life. I HATE this phrase and I wish that it didn't exist. The truth is, for me anyway, that you don't move on from that person. I think about Taylor everyday. It is not fair to me to say that I need to move on from him. A coworker of mine gave me a wonderful book called Gone Too Soon by Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer. Chapter 7 is dedicated to help those who are grieving and what to do and not to do/say. This is part of what NOT to say. It reads,"Get on with your life". Grief is a part of a parent's life. The parent is experiencing some of the most poignant and significant emotions in the human experience. These emotions are an essential and normal part of life, and parents need to experience the full spectrum of emotions involved with grief until they can enjoy happier times.

She continues to write, Above all, when dealing with anyone who is grieving, be patient an kind, an make some effort to show them that you care. Be sure to let the Spirit guide you when you feel unsure about a particular approach. Remember, your support and love can be a positive factor at a time when everything seems hopeless. Your compassionate influence can make a wonderful difference in others' lives."

I hope that this touches you and that it may help with someone you know that is grieving or even for yourself. All I know is that Grief is a part of my daily life. It might not be as strong each day as other days, but it is with me ALL the time.

I found this letter online. I liked it so decided to add it.

My dear ________________ (Family, Friends, Pastor, Employer…),
I have experienced a loss that is devastating to me. It will take time, perhaps years, for me to work through the grief I feel because of this loss.
I will cry more than usual for some time. My tears are not a sign of weakness or a lack of hope or faith. They are the symbols of the depth of my loss and the sign that I am recovering.
I may become angry without seeming to have a reason for it. My emotions are heightened by the stress of grief. Please be forgiving if I seem irrational at times.
I need your understanding and your presence more than anything else. If you don’t know what to say, just touch me or give me a hug to let me know you care. Please don’t wait for me to call you. I am often too tired to even think of reaching out for the help I need.
Don’t allow me to withdraw from you. I need you more than ever during the next year.
Pray for me only if your prayer is not an order for me to make you feel better. My faith does not excuse me from the grief process.
If you have had an experience of loss that seems anything like mine, please share it with me. You will not make me feel worse.
This loss is the worst thing that could happen to me. But I will get through it and I will live again. I will not always feel as I do now. I will laugh again.
Thank you for caring about me. Your concern is a gift I treasure.
Sincerely,
(your name)

Feeling Complete

Do you feel complete? Complete as a person? a mother? a friend? a wife? a daughter?



Lately I have been feeling very incomplete. I know that there will always be a void- I think that I just need to start doing things for me. It is so important that we women take time for ourselves. I'm pretty sure that you have heard this a lot, but do we actually do it? Probably not, right?


My sister recently had to make a real hard decision for herself and her family to go back to work or to stay home with their little girl. I felt horrible that I was telling her that "Hey, it's only 80 days a year, you will put your mark on the world". But that is not what she needed to hear. She has waited 8 years for a baby and this is her chance to stay home and do what she has dreamed to do. She is such an inspiration to me and many moms out there. She is so creative and my goodness, can come up with the most amazing ideas. I honestly don't know how she has the energy sometimes. I spoke with her yesterday and she was still not sure what to do. I told her,"Your daughter is your mark on the world. Take all that energy that you would spend on teaching and put that in her.She is what makes you complete." I hoped that I helped make that decision a little easier. But then I turned the table on me.

I was watching GTU last week and they mentioned 10 things that women waste their time doing. I was pretty shocked to see that the number one thing was talking on the phone and you should put a time limit of 2 minutes per call. I thought about this being absolutely ridiculous. 2 minutes!! What can you possibly say to someone in 2 minutes? Well, all you need to say- the lady on GTU explained that when we talk past the 2 minute mark, the gossiping gal in us seems to ooze out and we end up talking about what really doesn't matter. I think that I will be trying this so if you call and I say, "Times up!" please don't get offended. It is time that I could be with my kids or taking a bubble bath or reading a great book(not me per say). Just time for me!

I need to be a better friend, better wife, better mother, but most of all a better person. I think that if we can make an effort to be a better person that all the other betters will fall into place. My true quest will be complete when I am holding Tay Tay in my arms. Until that time, we need to take each day for what it is for we will not get today again.

Death brings new life

My grandmother passed away this past week. I have been overwhelmed with emotions. I am sad and yet the same time, overjoyed for her. She is in no pain, no sorrow, no sadness. She is with her son, her sisters, her parents. And she is with my Taylor. I told her just moments before she passed away to give him a squench for me. How I long for that day. It was amazing to be in the hospital room with her, knowing that Taylor's spirit was in that room.

She had suffered a pretty severe hemorrhage in her heart and the doctors tried everything, but just couldn't control the bleeding. She wasn't in any pain, but just looked so uncomfortable. My sister suggested that we sing. I thought to myself, "Sing? Here?" But as I saw her and my Uncle start to sing, my grandmother nodded and was so grateful. It was almost as if she closed her eyes and was comfortable for the first time in 2 days. So, I started to sing with them. I thought it meant a lot to her since she knew that she wasn't alone. I knew that on the other side of the veil that she wouldn't be alone. I wanted her to know that we were there and that we sure loved her. She mouthed to me that she loved me and I will never forget that sweet moment.

I know that she has new life now. She is happy and free! I am a better person because of her and her example. Just months before her passing, I was able to show her my scrapbook of Taylor. She mentioned that you could feel the emotions in each picture as if they jumped out at you. It brought back memories of her baby sister, who also was stillborn. My grandma was very positive about the plan of salvation and that I would indeed raise Taylor someday. She wrote me a card after Taylor's death and I wanted to share it:

"We were sorry to hear of the loss of your sweet Taylor James. We don't know why these things happen but we know that the Lord loves you and Heavenly Father will bless you- because He has promised blessings to those that mourn. The prophet Joseph said that sometimes spirits are too pure to have to live in the world where there is so much evil, sickness and sin all around us. We are grateful to the Savior for his atoning sacrifice- and it makes Christmas a little more special as we think of His resurrection-"And because He lives, we too shall live.""