Letter from Mommy on your 4th birthday

Can't believe that is has been 4 years today! Seems like a week ago. It makes me feel sad that it has been so long since I held you last. I just feel so lucky and blessed that you picked me to be your mom! I am truly the LUCKY one! I was the one that carried you in my tummy for 38 and 1/2 weeks. I remember the hiccups.. I remember at 10:00 every night, you were the most active.. Doing flips and somersaults. I had horrible heartburn.. I craved anything and everything with you.. The last time that I remember you really moving around was on the Monday- 5 days before you passed away. I went in for my 38 week checkup. They had found protein in my urine and that my blood pressure was a little high and so they sent me to Labor and Delivery. I called Nate thinking that this was it and he came over. The nurse hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor and left the room. EVERYTIME with out fail, you kicked the monitors off of yourself and moved. She had to come in countless times to readjust the monitors and sure enough as soon as she would leave, you'd do it again. (It is a sign to me that he really REALLY wanted to come out that day!) The nurses decided that the baby looked good and my BP went down and there was only a trace of protein, they sent me home to await 7 days to my scheduled C-section. If they only did an ultrasound to see if my fluid was low, or just taken me then.. I think about the what IF's all the time, but I realize that you were too perfect, too pure to come to this world. You were meant to go on before us, even though it broke all of our hearts. Because all we can do is wait. and wait. and wait.

Since you have passed, I have lost my grandparents and I know that you are with them.. They were such honorable people and I miss them terribly, but know that you are listening and learning from them.. Grandma had amazing stories and had a very contagious laugh! And Grandpa was so fun to be with and sang like an angel.

Thank you, Taylor, for watching over my family. Will you please keep this new baby on the way close to you until he/she comes? I want them to get to know you as much as they can before they come to earth.. I know that Libby knows you and she smiles when we talk about you.. As Libby would say, "Tay Tay is my friend!". Watch over Jackson. He misses you so much and longs to have his brother with him.. Abbey misses you too. She was so happy to be your big sister.

I LOVE YOU! You are my angel forever and always. Till we meet again...

Love,

Mommy

:(

I am feeling awfully lonely for Taylor today. My 2 older kids are out of town with their grandparents.. The house is too quiet. It's a sad quiet for me. When they first left, I thought for sure it would be a big, "PARTY!" I thought about all the things that I could get done.. But it hasn't felt like that at all. I am feeling alone and sad and am constantly worrying about them.. Cause I can't touch them and see them and know that they are ok. The phone calls help, but its not the same. I am a worry mess! I haven't been able to sleep the past few nights. i am sure my husband is sick of me tossing and turning all night. I can't help it. I am having awful, horrible dreams.. I honestly don't feel complete. Without ALL of my kids. I am homesick for Jack.. He makes me smile! I miss Abbey! She makes the room light up! I miss Taylor. I miss the day I held him and how he felt in my arms.

Don't get me wrong, Libby has been great company and she is so energetic and is talking a ton! But I miss my WHOLE family.
" I always want to be with my whole family.."

Poem for thought...

Time spent with you
Was so very precious
Even if only for a very short time
I hold a special memory
Close inside this heart of mine
To me you were very special
Much more than words can say
I still love you now little angel
And I'll remember you every day.

This poem was also written in memory of James

Still there? Yep! GrIeF!

I'll Hold You in Heaven
From the very beginning I loved you,

As I made plans to hold you and rock you:

You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,

But something went wrong and soon you were gone;

My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,

I'd never known such heartache and pain.
I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,

Do you have my smile and his eyes?

Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?

We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.

It was long, long ago

and I still miss you so,Thanks to Jesus,

I'll see you in heaven.
I'll hold you in heaven someday,

When my trials on earth pass away;

The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,

I know you're waiting for me;

I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",

But I'll hold you in heaven someday.

In loving memory of Darrell Keith and Melody Joy Taylor.
(c) 1998 Jo Ann Taylor All Rights Reserved

Another year...

As the school year winds down and the summer approaches, It makes me wonder.. Wonder about life with Taylor. Who would he look like, what would be his favorite food. He would be going to preschool this fall, and who would his teacher be. And then I think that he has the best teacher of all. Heavenly Father. And he does have a brother with him- One who sacrificed everything so that we could see him again. At times it seems unbearable to not have him on earth. To not hold him, feed him, play, laugh, cry, anything. But I know that we WILL see him again and I will be able to raise him.

Feeling "it" today :(

Wow. It is amazing to me that grief still hits sooooo hard. At times when I least expect it. I have been thinking about him more. Still hurts. A neighbor of mine found out recently at her 20 week ultrasound that her sweet baby girl had severe defects. The doctors were concerned it wouldn't live to term. She is a very quiet woman, but opened up to me. I was amazed how quickly my experience came back to me like it were yesterday. She teared up saying that her little one proabably wouldn't survive. It broke my heart all over again. To know that someone else was going to hurt like me. I wasn't able to make it to church on Sunday, but they announced that she lost her baby. I know how she feels and I feel that Heavenly Father knows that I can be there for her. For any support she needs. We have such a small ward and I feel that it isn't fair. But I am reminded that our ward is a family. A strong family. We might be small in number, but our strength is great. I am dedicating this poem to her. From one grieving parent to another. (You might need a tissue for this one!)

I thought of you and closed my eyes,

And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a Mother,

And I know I heard him say:

A mother has a baby,

This we know is true.

But, God, can you be a mother,

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied,

With confidence in his voice.

I give many women babies,

When they leave is not thier choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb,

But theres no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,

I want my baby here.

He took a breath and cleared his throat,

And then I saw a tear.

I wish that I could show you,

What your child is doing today,

If you could see your child smile,

With other children who say:

We go to earth and learn our lessons,

Of love and life and fear.

My mommy loved me oh so much,

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom,

Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear.

"Mommy don't be sad today,

I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one,

Your children are Ok.

Your babies are here in My home,

They'll be at heavens gate for you.

So now you see what makes a mother.

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of,

Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,

until their time is done.

They'll be up here with Me one day,

And you'll know that you're the best one!

~Author Unknown

Never Alone

by Rodney Belcher

I feel you in the morning

When at first I awake

Your thought is with me

With each decision I make

You'd been around forever

Since the first breath I took

Now I have to go on alone

But for love, I need not look

Cause by what you bestowed

In our short time together

Will last in my heart

Forever and ever

Although you've left

And now walk above

I'm never alone

I'm wrapped in your love

Enjoy now your long waited reward

Feel peace that your love continues on

What was taught to me, will be taught to mine

Cause you live on in me even after you've gone

Service with a smile :)

THEN JOY STEPPED IN

Said she, 'I will not live with grief from morrow unto morrow.

My heart cries out for some relief, 'Good-bye, my little sorrow.'

She closed the windows of her home and pulled down every blind.

'I'm going forth, ' she cried, 'to roam. You, Grief, can stay behind.''

And I'll be gone the livelong day, expect me back to-night.'

Grief wanly watched her go away into the warmth and light;

With quickened step and brightened eyes she mingled with the throng.

Instead of pale Grief's moans and sighs she heard Endeavour's song

.She saw a sister, crossed the road and asked her how she fared:

Then helped to lift her heavy load and in the burden shared.

Throughout the day Self was suppressed whilst Service took its place.

When she returned at night to rest - of Grief there was no trace!

But Joy stepped forth and sweetly said,

'May I now be your friend instead? '

--- Wilhelmina Stitch

Pictures that can say it all :)

The Promise Was When Everything Fell We'd be Held

I came across this very touching song by Natalie Grant on a friend's blog. I thought of my sister and the deep pain that she has gone through with the loss of her Taylor, and yet aren't we told that when life is roughest we would have the arms of peace around us? Some say that despite all the difficulties that they face, that in their hardest hour they never felt alone.

They felt held- in the arms of a loving Savior.

If you want to watch the video on this site, scroll down to the bottom of this page and pause the music.

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Another year... Further from little Tay

I am pondering on what 2010 might bring to me and my family. But in the back of my mind, well actually all that's on my mind, is that is one year further away from Taylor. 3 whole years and this will be the fourth. I can't believe that I have lasted this long, that I have been able to push through each day and live. My kids are getting excited because Sunday they find out who their new primary teachers are. But, me.. My Taylor would be a sunbeam. A SUNBEAM! It's too weird to think about, but why do I think it, all the time? I look at the faces of these little ones and think, "This is where he should be. He belongs here." The sunbeams coming in this year are so sweet, innocent.. And he is missing out. I am missing out. WHY? Sorry for the lovely entry. I am having one of those days...

Sweet Child
by Unknown Author

God made a sweet child
a child who never grew old
He made a smile of sunshine
He molded a heart of pure gold.
He made that child as close to an angel
as anyone ever could be
God made a Sweet Child
and He gave that dear child to me
Then God saw His wonderful creation
growing very tired and weak
so He wrapped the child in His loving arms
and said, "You my child I keep"
But now my Sweet Child is an angel
Free from hurt and pain
I'll love you forever, until we meet again
So many times I have missed you
So many times I have cried
If all my love could have saved you
Sweet Child you never would have died.