What to say

I have had several people tell me that they check out my blog but never know what to say. I, 2 years ago, would be the same way. I was in the same frame of mind. I heard sad news or heard of someone passing and I would think in that instant how sad it is, but then I moved on.

A couple in my mom's ward lost a baby a few months before me. I remember sitting on my mom's couch and she was telling me the story. I felt sad and sorry for the couple. I had gone to high school with the husband. It made it more real. I would talk to my mom and ask how they were holding up. But then, I forgot. I had moved on. Until, Dec 2, 2006. From that moment, I've had an emptiness and sadness that is indescribable. I felt that NOONE knew what I was experiencing and NOONE could help me.

A co-worker of mine gave me a book at the burial of my Taylor. The title is "Gone Too Soon" by Sherri Wittwer. It is An Amazing book. Chapter 7 is dedicated to helping those who are grieving. It lists several things you can do to help. I think a lot of people don't know what to say so they choose not to say anything. I would walk through the halls at church or the store and people would put their head down and walk by. I felt worse.

I know it has been almost two years. Why am I still grieving? But in my perspective, it has ONLY been two years. I feel that I have made HUGE progress and am actually happy and laughing again. I know that I will never be the person I was before. But I am stronger and a better person for it.

Watching General Conference, I loved Thomas S. Monsen's quote, "Find Joy in the Journey". I feel that I have found joy. And although I would love to have Taylor with me, my journey has been wonderful. My children are so precious and fun. So please don't ask if I have moved on. I won't ever move on from Taylor, but I have moved forward and have found joy in my journey.

So, please comment. Don't pass by- I would love to hear from you. Please say how you feel when you read my blog. Or maybe quote a poem, or song. Or even let me know how you are doing. Hope to hear from you soon!

Happy Place

All the kids hands- Lil' sis wearing Taylor's ring

We just got back from a well needed vacation to Disneyland. My kids didn't know- it was a total surprise to them. We were waiting for Dad who was picking up the Disneyland tickets, when Big sis turned to me and said, "I wish that Taylor was here. Then, our WHOLE family would be together." I couldn't help but look over at her smiling face and smile back. Here we were at the happiest place on earth, and she wanted her family to all be together. There was no mention of rides, what toy that she wanted, who she wanted to meet- just that her family would all be together.



I love the atmosphere at Disneyland. The people are just so friendly and nice and everyone seems to get along. It was nice to be able to sit on a bench and watch all the happy faces go by. I thought of Taylor often- what rides he would be going on, if he would be scared to meet all the characters, what toys he would want at the stores. I saw cute little boys all around and could picture Taylor in all of them. I figure that he is happy, just like all the little boys. He is doing God's work and preparing for us all to return to him. I miss him like crazy and I know that the 'happiest place on earth' will be the day that I am with my sweet Taylor again.

Biggest Fear

Have you ever thought about what your true fears are? Well, I had a rude awakening this morning. I had a horrible dream about losing another child. Now, believe me, I have plenty of fears- sharks, long bridges, deep water, SPIDERS, earthquakes, fire- but none of them even come close to the fear of losing another child.

The dream itself was horrible. So horrible, in fact, that I woke up in a deep sweat and my heart was racing. I thought the dream was real... I know that it was just a dream but I just jumped out of bed and hugged my child as if I hadn't seen him in days. He was a little weirded out by it, but I was sooo happy that he was alive and that I could spend yet another day with him.

It made me realize that I was feeling very guilty about not spending a lot of time with him lately. I am so grateful that I do have 3 beautiful children here on earth, to take care of, to watch grow up, to snuggle with, to sing to, to just be there for. I am also grateful for the little one that I have lost, for I know that I will see him again, and how wonderful that day will be!