Dealing With the Loss of a Loved One
Events like anniversaries or holidays can sometimes prolong or reintroduce grief.
Just after a death or loss, you may feel empty and numb, as if you are in shock. You may notice physical symptoms such as trembling, nausea, difficulty breathing, muscle weakness, dry mouth, or trouble sleeping and eating. You may become angry at a situation, a particular person, or just angry in general. Almost everyone experiencing grief also feels guilt. Guilt is often expressed in statements that begin with "I could have," "I should have," and "I wish I would have." People who are grieving may also have strange dreams or nightmares, be absentminded, withdraw socially, or lack the desire to return to work. While these feelings and behaviors are normal during grief, they will pass.
Grief lasts as long as it takes you to accept and learn to live with your loss. For some people, grief lasts a few months. For others, grieving may take years. Sometimes an anniversary or special holiday, such as Valentine's Day, may trigger feelings of grief. The length of time spent grieving is different for each person. There are many reasons for the differences, including personality, health, coping style, culture, family background, and life experiences. The time spent grieving also depends on your relationship with the person lost and how prepared you were for the loss.
Every person who experiences a death or other loss must complete a four-step grieving process:
Accept the loss
Work through and feel the physical and emotional pain of grief
Adjust to living in a world without the person or item lost
Move on with life
The grieving process is complete when a person completes these important steps.
Events like anniversaries or holidays can sometimes prolong or reintroduce grief.
Just after a death or loss, you may feel empty and numb, as if you are in shock. You may notice physical symptoms such as trembling, nausea, difficulty breathing, muscle weakness, dry mouth, or trouble sleeping and eating. You may become angry at a situation, a particular person, or just angry in general. Almost everyone experiencing grief also feels guilt. Guilt is often expressed in statements that begin with "I could have," "I should have," and "I wish I would have." People who are grieving may also have strange dreams or nightmares, be absentminded, withdraw socially, or lack the desire to return to work. While these feelings and behaviors are normal during grief, they will pass.
Grief lasts as long as it takes you to accept and learn to live with your loss. For some people, grief lasts a few months. For others, grieving may take years. Sometimes an anniversary or special holiday, such as Valentine's Day, may trigger feelings of grief. The length of time spent grieving is different for each person. There are many reasons for the differences, including personality, health, coping style, culture, family background, and life experiences. The time spent grieving also depends on your relationship with the person lost and how prepared you were for the loss.
Every person who experiences a death or other loss must complete a four-step grieving process:
Accept the loss
Work through and feel the physical and emotional pain of grief
Adjust to living in a world without the person or item lost
Move on with life
The grieving process is complete when a person completes these important steps.
A good friend of mine emailed this to me. She, too, has suffered the loss of a child and knows how it feels. I thought it was fitting for my blog and to be used to help others who may be starting the grieving process, or like me, may still be feeling it after two years.
I have to be honest though. I don't agree with the last step in the process. Move on with life. I HATE this phrase and I wish that it didn't exist. The truth is, for me anyway, that you don't move on from that person. I think about Taylor everyday. It is not fair to me to say that I need to move on from him. A coworker of mine gave me a wonderful book called Gone Too Soon by Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer. Chapter 7 is dedicated to help those who are grieving and what to do and not to do/say. This is part of what NOT to say. It reads,"Get on with your life". Grief is a part of a parent's life. The parent is experiencing some of the most poignant and significant emotions in the human experience. These emotions are an essential and normal part of life, and parents need to experience the full spectrum of emotions involved with grief until they can enjoy happier times.
She continues to write, Above all, when dealing with anyone who is grieving, be patient an kind, an make some effort to show them that you care. Be sure to let the Spirit guide you when you feel unsure about a particular approach. Remember, your support and love can be a positive factor at a time when everything seems hopeless. Your compassionate influence can make a wonderful difference in others' lives."
I hope that this touches you and that it may help with someone you know that is grieving or even for yourself. All I know is that Grief is a part of my daily life. It might not be as strong each day as other days, but it is with me ALL the time.
I found this letter online. I liked it so decided to add it.
My dear ________________ (Family, Friends, Pastor, Employer…),
I have experienced a loss that is devastating to me. It will take time, perhaps years, for me to work through the grief I feel because of this loss.
I will cry more than usual for some time. My tears are not a sign of weakness or a lack of hope or faith. They are the symbols of the depth of my loss and the sign that I am recovering.
I may become angry without seeming to have a reason for it. My emotions are heightened by the stress of grief. Please be forgiving if I seem irrational at times.
I need your understanding and your presence more than anything else. If you don’t know what to say, just touch me or give me a hug to let me know you care. Please don’t wait for me to call you. I am often too tired to even think of reaching out for the help I need.
Don’t allow me to withdraw from you. I need you more than ever during the next year.
Pray for me only if your prayer is not an order for me to make you feel better. My faith does not excuse me from the grief process.
If you have had an experience of loss that seems anything like mine, please share it with me. You will not make me feel worse.
This loss is the worst thing that could happen to me. But I will get through it and I will live again. I will not always feel as I do now. I will laugh again.
Thank you for caring about me. Your concern is a gift I treasure.
Sincerely,
(your name)
I have experienced a loss that is devastating to me. It will take time, perhaps years, for me to work through the grief I feel because of this loss.
I will cry more than usual for some time. My tears are not a sign of weakness or a lack of hope or faith. They are the symbols of the depth of my loss and the sign that I am recovering.
I may become angry without seeming to have a reason for it. My emotions are heightened by the stress of grief. Please be forgiving if I seem irrational at times.
I need your understanding and your presence more than anything else. If you don’t know what to say, just touch me or give me a hug to let me know you care. Please don’t wait for me to call you. I am often too tired to even think of reaching out for the help I need.
Don’t allow me to withdraw from you. I need you more than ever during the next year.
Pray for me only if your prayer is not an order for me to make you feel better. My faith does not excuse me from the grief process.
If you have had an experience of loss that seems anything like mine, please share it with me. You will not make me feel worse.
This loss is the worst thing that could happen to me. But I will get through it and I will live again. I will not always feel as I do now. I will laugh again.
Thank you for caring about me. Your concern is a gift I treasure.
Sincerely,
(your name)
