Death brings new life

My grandmother passed away this past week. I have been overwhelmed with emotions. I am sad and yet the same time, overjoyed for her. She is in no pain, no sorrow, no sadness. She is with her son, her sisters, her parents. And she is with my Taylor. I told her just moments before she passed away to give him a squench for me. How I long for that day. It was amazing to be in the hospital room with her, knowing that Taylor's spirit was in that room.

She had suffered a pretty severe hemorrhage in her heart and the doctors tried everything, but just couldn't control the bleeding. She wasn't in any pain, but just looked so uncomfortable. My sister suggested that we sing. I thought to myself, "Sing? Here?" But as I saw her and my Uncle start to sing, my grandmother nodded and was so grateful. It was almost as if she closed her eyes and was comfortable for the first time in 2 days. So, I started to sing with them. I thought it meant a lot to her since she knew that she wasn't alone. I knew that on the other side of the veil that she wouldn't be alone. I wanted her to know that we were there and that we sure loved her. She mouthed to me that she loved me and I will never forget that sweet moment.

I know that she has new life now. She is happy and free! I am a better person because of her and her example. Just months before her passing, I was able to show her my scrapbook of Taylor. She mentioned that you could feel the emotions in each picture as if they jumped out at you. It brought back memories of her baby sister, who also was stillborn. My grandma was very positive about the plan of salvation and that I would indeed raise Taylor someday. She wrote me a card after Taylor's death and I wanted to share it:

"We were sorry to hear of the loss of your sweet Taylor James. We don't know why these things happen but we know that the Lord loves you and Heavenly Father will bless you- because He has promised blessings to those that mourn. The prophet Joseph said that sometimes spirits are too pure to have to live in the world where there is so much evil, sickness and sin all around us. We are grateful to the Savior for his atoning sacrifice- and it makes Christmas a little more special as we think of His resurrection-"And because He lives, we too shall live.""

2009 - What will it bring?

I have been pondering about what this next year might bring... I have been very, no, extremely blessed in 2008. I am scared- I worry about everything, as you all know. I think I worry so much that my hair is falling out(although I have been told by friends/family that its due to post partum- we will find out soon for sure) I am hoping for the best and yet fear the worst.

I think that we all come up with New Years Resolutions. Lose weight, eat better, sleep more, etc... whatever it may be. I ask that this year, instead of resolutions that you have tried before or that last 2-3 days, I challenge you all to come up with a change- A change that will not only impact you but all close around you. Ponder, really search for something that could be positive.

My change is for "making each day count" as said by Jack in the Titanic movie (played by Leonardo DiCaprio. I am saddened each day that I can't spend them with my Taylor. I know that I will have my time with him later- but it doesn't make it any easier because later is not now. Patience is part of my change. Patience for that future with my Taylor, but also patience with the present. My kids are amazing. I love them so much... They are the reason that I get up each day- for the smiles that are on my face, for the laughter that rings through my house, just to have them with me each day. To make each day count- We will never get today again. We will miss yesterday and look forward for tomorrows.

I don't mean to sound cheesy- but MAKE EACH DAY COUNT while you can. May we all be blessed in 2009.

Ornaments for Taylor

This was given to us from my mother in law- I thought is was very fitting.
I read this poem to my sister and just started crying- It is short yet is so powerful all at the same time.

This is the front of the ornament. It was given to us from my good friend Liesl whom we have shared everything together. She is an inspiration to me. I love that Santa is kneeling to baby Jesus. It puts things in perspective, don't you think?

I have loved angels ever since I lost Taylor. When I look at them I feel safe and I know that someone is watching over me and my family.