Letter from Mommy on your 4th birthday

Can't believe that is has been 4 years today! Seems like a week ago. It makes me feel sad that it has been so long since I held you last. I just feel so lucky and blessed that you picked me to be your mom! I am truly the LUCKY one! I was the one that carried you in my tummy for 38 and 1/2 weeks. I remember the hiccups.. I remember at 10:00 every night, you were the most active.. Doing flips and somersaults. I had horrible heartburn.. I craved anything and everything with you.. The last time that I remember you really moving around was on the Monday- 5 days before you passed away. I went in for my 38 week checkup. They had found protein in my urine and that my blood pressure was a little high and so they sent me to Labor and Delivery. I called Nate thinking that this was it and he came over. The nurse hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor and left the room. EVERYTIME with out fail, you kicked the monitors off of yourself and moved. She had to come in countless times to readjust the monitors and sure enough as soon as she would leave, you'd do it again. (It is a sign to me that he really REALLY wanted to come out that day!) The nurses decided that the baby looked good and my BP went down and there was only a trace of protein, they sent me home to await 7 days to my scheduled C-section. If they only did an ultrasound to see if my fluid was low, or just taken me then.. I think about the what IF's all the time, but I realize that you were too perfect, too pure to come to this world. You were meant to go on before us, even though it broke all of our hearts. Because all we can do is wait. and wait. and wait.

Since you have passed, I have lost my grandparents and I know that you are with them.. They were such honorable people and I miss them terribly, but know that you are listening and learning from them.. Grandma had amazing stories and had a very contagious laugh! And Grandpa was so fun to be with and sang like an angel.

Thank you, Taylor, for watching over my family. Will you please keep this new baby on the way close to you until he/she comes? I want them to get to know you as much as they can before they come to earth.. I know that Libby knows you and she smiles when we talk about you.. As Libby would say, "Tay Tay is my friend!". Watch over Jackson. He misses you so much and longs to have his brother with him.. Abbey misses you too. She was so happy to be your big sister.

I LOVE YOU! You are my angel forever and always. Till we meet again...

Love,

Mommy

:(

I am feeling awfully lonely for Taylor today. My 2 older kids are out of town with their grandparents.. The house is too quiet. It's a sad quiet for me. When they first left, I thought for sure it would be a big, "PARTY!" I thought about all the things that I could get done.. But it hasn't felt like that at all. I am feeling alone and sad and am constantly worrying about them.. Cause I can't touch them and see them and know that they are ok. The phone calls help, but its not the same. I am a worry mess! I haven't been able to sleep the past few nights. i am sure my husband is sick of me tossing and turning all night. I can't help it. I am having awful, horrible dreams.. I honestly don't feel complete. Without ALL of my kids. I am homesick for Jack.. He makes me smile! I miss Abbey! She makes the room light up! I miss Taylor. I miss the day I held him and how he felt in my arms.

Don't get me wrong, Libby has been great company and she is so energetic and is talking a ton! But I miss my WHOLE family.
" I always want to be with my whole family.."

Poem for thought...

Time spent with you
Was so very precious
Even if only for a very short time
I hold a special memory
Close inside this heart of mine
To me you were very special
Much more than words can say
I still love you now little angel
And I'll remember you every day.

This poem was also written in memory of James