One Week To Go

I can't believe that in ONE week it will be two years since this horrible day. I can still remember it so clearly- I can remember the smell of the hospital room, the beeping of the machines, the sadness that was in that recovery room. I can remember the nurses (some were nicer than others) and the Dr's face when he came in my room. I can't believe that I have lasted two years.

We recently got family photos done for Christmas- yet I was saddened that I felt that my WHOLE family wasn't there. Lil' sis wore Taylor's ring - I tried to picture him in that photo with us. I wished things ended differently, but unfortunately they were how they were meant to be. Taylor was too pure, too perfect to come here and I know that he watches over me and my family.

On his birthday I will be putting up a Christmas tree - It would mean a lot to have family/friends hang ornaments on his tree. If you get a chance before Christmas and have an extra ornament, please come and put it on his tree in his memory . Thank you for all who have and still support me in this journey. I have been very blessed with wonderful family and friends.

Worry, Worry, Worry

I think that all I do is worry. Here is a list of all the things I worry about on a daily basis.
Earthquakes
Food Storage(not having enough)
Driving to/from school
my kids choking
money$$$
gifts for the holidays
are my kids sick
are my kids healthy
my husband
my house and keeping it clean
being caught up with laundry
the primary program
I really need to go to work
getting my kids out of a fire
raising good honest children
being a better friend

The list honestly could go on for days. We had stake conference on Sunday and I was planning on sleeping in that day and getting a few things done. For some weird reason, I was up, dressed and decided to go. By the time we got there, it was pretty crowded and we sat in the back. I had my two girls with me and I was so sure that I wasn't going to get anything out of it. I was wrong. Surprisingly, my girls were good and I was able to listen. The stake president was up to speak. I don't remember the first of his talk, but I loved what he said at the end. "If we just have faith in the Lord, we don't need to worry as much as we are. Have faith in Him and trust in Him."

WOW!!!! Was he saying this just to me? NO, but I was blown away at those words. I know that I have heard them before, but I needed to hear it again. Now, this doesn't mean that I will never worry again about anything, but it helps me remember that I don't need to sweat the small stuff and I should live and be happy. I need to stop worrying about stuff that really isn't important. My family is important and spending what time we have on this earth with them, is what should really matter. I know the time we have is precious,having lost a son. I hope that this can help someone out there who worries as much as I do(however, I don't think that's possible.)

ONE MONTH TO GO

One more month and it will be two years since I have lost my Taylor. Hard to believe that I have gone two years. I have truly gone through the grieving process and believe that I am stuck somewhere in the middle. I think that this time of year is hard on anyone who has lost a loved one. There is just something about the cold air, snow and dark skies.


I have thought about his golden birthday a lot. I had extended family over for my other son's birthday and they were discussing who's birthday is next. There was no mention of Taylor. I felt so sad that he was forgotten, not by me, but from others. I wanted to scream out, "Taylors birthday is next. And don't you forget it!!"

I don't want him to think that he is forgotten in any way. I know that there will be memories, holidays, birthdays without him physically being here- but I know that he is always with me. He lives on in my kids smiles, when their eyes light up. He is a guardian angel to them and I know that he watches over them.

I miss you!!! I wish that you were here with me. I wish that for all mothers you have lost their child(ren) that they could be with them again. What I would give to spend one last moment with you. One last hug, kiss, snuggle, smile, song, laugh, lovie.... I know that I will see you again. Not for a while. Until we meet again..