Cold December Day

It was a cold Friday night in December. I laid down to go to sleep and felt no movement from my baby. He was normally very active around 10pm. I thought to myself that he was sleeping and everything would be ok. I woke up around 3am. It was the Holy Ghost telling me that something was wrong. I got up and went into the kitchen and took a drink of Orange Juice. I tiptoed into the living room and flipped on the Christmas tree lights. i grabbed a blankie and laid down on my left side. 20 minutes passed. Nothing. 30 minutes passed. Nothing. I grabbed a fruit snack and laid down again. 20, 30, 45 minutes passed. Nothing. I knew that something wasn't right. I knelt down and prayed. I asked Heavenly Father to help my baby. I asked him to help me feel him move. I asked for help, strength for me. I ended the prayer and had a feeling of calm come over me. I decided to call the Dr on call and was told that he was probably ok, but to come in and get checked out. I took a quick shower and told my husband to stay at home with the kids, that I would probably be back soon. I got into the little white car and drove myself to the hospital, the whole time hoping I would feel something. I got to the hospital and was buzzed in and went to the nurses station. I told them that I hadn't felt my baby move since last night at dinner. They directed me to a room and I changed and waited. I was at peace all alone in that room. The nurse came in, after what seemed like forever, and took out the fetal heart monitor. She tried for a while but could never find a heartbeat. I then decided to phone my husband to come to the hospital that something wasn't right. The nurse took out the ultrasound machine and tried to see something that way, but nothing. She told me that the ultrasound machine was older so it would be a good idea to have the ultrasound tech take a better look. She led me to the cold room and I laid on the table. I turned to look at the wall, hoping that she would find a heartbeat. She did all his measurements first, but turned to me and said, " I'm sorry, I can't find a heartbeat." The nurse looked at me and asked if I wanted a wheelchair. I said"No" and walked the long hallway back to my room. I laid there for a while, crying, and scared. I called my mom and she was screaming back at me on the phone. It finally felt real. My husband walked in shortly afterwards. He looked at me and I said, "He's gone." He broke down. My husband was such a solid person and to see him break down was hard for me. My sister and husband came and she just ran up and hugged me. Then his parents came. The nurse came in and was asking if we knew which mortuary we wanted and what we would like him to wear. I just looked at my husband. I didn't feel that I could make any decisions. The room felt empty. I felt empty. My doctor finally showed up and they took me back to the OR. As we passed other rooms, a proud dad came out and gave us the thumbs up. If he only knew. They laid me on the cold operating table and began. As the drs took Taylor out, they noticed that there was a bulge in the umbilical cord. There was no knot in the cord, but the cord was pinched off where it inserted into his belly button. They cleaned him off and I wondered why they didn't try CPR, just for my sake, to see if maybe, just maybe, he would come back. They handed him to my husband, finished up with me and were wheeling me into recovery. Our families were there to meet Taylor and hold him. It was such an overwhelming moment on my life. I never thought that this would happen to me. The funeral was hard. Reality was finally sinking in. My baby was in the tiniest white coffin. He looked so at peace. Yet, not like I remember him. The HARDEST thing for me was the closing of the coffin. I buried my face into my mom and just sobbed. It's the fact that I won't see him again on this earth that I couldn't bear. I wanted to carry him home and just stare at him. I remember how cold it was, and I was so worried he was going to be cold. We had him buried in the cutest white suit, with white socks and even white sneakers. My two older children drew pictures and we placed them with Taylor. My husband likes sheep and I found a blue comfy blankie with sheep on it that we put on him. We also placed an angel coin with him, and we also have coins with us that were given to us by a friend. I didn't want to leave the cemetery. I was so afraid that he would feel alone, and cold.

I have told many that I will never be the same person. Yet, in a way, I am glad that for the changes that have taken place with me. I have more patience and understanding with my children, for I know we have them for such a short time. I cherish the little things in life. I stop and smell the flowers and enjoy the occasional sunset. I am closer to the Savior and the sacrifice that Heavenly Father made to let us have eternal families. I know that without this sacrifice I would lost. I know that the more love we have for each other and bring to our homes, the more we will have those sweet spirits with us. Do you have love at home?