Happy 2nd Birthday to my sweet little Tay Tay

2 years ago today, I was in the hospital. Planning on a baby coming soon, Planning on bringing a baby home, Planning on adding a wonderful addition to our family... Not expecting, not prepared for what would happen next.

Last night, I couldn't sleep. I know why. I couldn't sleep the night of Dec 1,2006. I kept picturing in my mind things working out differently. If I had only gone in sooner...

My house is uncharacteristically quiet right now. So, I decided to take out his memory box. The shoes that Santa had gotten for him still in its box unopened. The giraffe outfit that Big sis picked out for him to come home in. The outfit that Big bro picked out for him to wear. My pregnancy test. The ultrasound pics. The sympathy cards. All of these things mean an awful lot. Until I look at HIS outfit and hat he wore in the hospital. I can still to this day picture Taylor in this outfit. I can remember the little hat that covered his head. (he didn't have a lot of hair) Prior to my C-section, the nurses came in asking what outfit I liked best for him to wear. I remember that the other outfit was a Winnie the Pooh jammie and although it was cute, it didn't compare to the white gown with the words "Little Angel" imprinted on the front.

We put up our Christmas tree. It amazes me how hard it is to look at this tree. On that special night when I couldn't sleep, I crept out into our living room and plugged in our tree. This same tree. I just stared at its beauty. The lights and decorations. Now, this same tree means so much more. It was with its lights on glowing bright, that I knelt down and prayed harder than I ever had. I prayed for Taylor to wake up and move. I prayed for strength. I prayed for my kids. I prayed that I would know what to do and to have peace. After that prayer, I did have peace. I remember the tree was blurry with the constant flow of tears. Yet, with this peace I didn't know that he was gone. But I did know that I wasn't alone.

Letter to Taylor:

Happy Birthday little one.

I keep thinking about this day and what we would be doing if you were here. I know if you are like your brother and sisters, you love cake and especially the frosting. I am sure that you would even want to help me make and frost your cake. Big bro was into cars at this age and I am sure that we would have lots of cars to give you.

I think of who you would look like and who your disposition would resemble. I have seen a lot of little boys lately that are close to your age and picture you in them. They are rowdy and fun and have a LOT of energy. You would be starting to talk and really express how you feel. You would play ball with daddy and cuddle with momma. Your siblings would adore you.

I miss you terribly. I am so proud to be your momma and to have you in our family. I am so jealous of Lil' sis who got to spend time with you in heaven before coming here. She smiles up at you and loves when I mention my little Tay Tay. I know that she knows you.

I promise to never forget the time that I got to share with you. From the sweet little kicks and horrible heartburn, to the holding and cuddling and staring at your little sweet face.
Although you never got to come to this place, you will always and forever be my angel and momma's boy.

Until we meet again, Love Always, Momma