Expiration dates

This probably sounds different, but I often check expiration dates on everything. I was putting some snacks into our pantry and noticed that one of the dates was Dec. 2, 2008. I just stood there for a couple of minutes, staring at it. Like it was trying to tell me something. My first thought for that day was to celebrate a 2nd birthday. I see little boys running around at church or the grocery store and think they would be Taylor's age. Taylor should be running around, playing with trucks and balls, going to Nursery, starting to really talk and express himself.

Dec 2 is such an incredible day. My first son was due on this day, but due to pre-eclampsia, was taken a month early. December is also the month that we truly reflect on the birth of Christ. How perfect that my ANGEL was taken during this time of year. It has brought the real meaning of Christmas to our family.

I attended a funeral on Saturday at the same funeral home we had Taylor's. In fact, it was even inthe same room. I was prepared for the worst to overcome me. But I honestly did not feel the same Spirit. There was almost an emptiness there. I walked around the room, saw the flowers that were there 1 1/2 years ago. Noticed the chairs and the detailing of the rugs. Everything seemed the same. Everything but the Spirit. The veil was so thin after Taylor passed and I thought I would have that same warmth come over me. Taylor proved to truly be an angel, sent here to receive his body and then go on to a greater mission.

After the funeral, I drove to see my Taylor. As I walked up to the grave, I noticed that the angel we had placed there had fallen down. I picked it up and wiped of the grass and mud. I read the quote on it and started to tear up. " You are my angel, even though we are apart, You will always and forever, be alive within my heart." How true! Taylor is an angel, and even though we are not together on this earth, his spirit lives with me. I brought Lil' sis with me for her first visit to his grave. I wasn't expecting her to react or anything (she is only 3 months old). But she surprised me. Lil' sis did not take her bright blue eyes off the grave. It's almost as if she was studying it and trying to understand what it was. And then the most amazing thing. She wouldn't stop cooing. Just on and on. I thought to myself " What do you see? What are you talking to?" Then I realized not what are you talking to, but who are you talking to. Taylor. She was talking to Taylor. I would give all the money in the world to know what she was telling him, and if he was talking to her. Its incredible to know that the veil is thin for babies, thin enough to maybe see and talk to her loved ones in heaven. It makes me homesick for heaven. Yet, I know when I am low and sad, I can turn to Heavenly Father for comfort.

Cold December Day

It was a cold Friday night in December. I laid down to go to sleep and felt no movement from my baby. He was normally very active around 10pm. I thought to myself that he was sleeping and everything would be ok. I woke up around 3am. It was the Holy Ghost telling me that something was wrong. I got up and went into the kitchen and took a drink of Orange Juice. I tiptoed into the living room and flipped on the Christmas tree lights. i grabbed a blankie and laid down on my left side. 20 minutes passed. Nothing. 30 minutes passed. Nothing. I grabbed a fruit snack and laid down again. 20, 30, 45 minutes passed. Nothing. I knew that something wasn't right. I knelt down and prayed. I asked Heavenly Father to help my baby. I asked him to help me feel him move. I asked for help, strength for me. I ended the prayer and had a feeling of calm come over me. I decided to call the Dr on call and was told that he was probably ok, but to come in and get checked out. I took a quick shower and told my husband to stay at home with the kids, that I would probably be back soon. I got into the little white car and drove myself to the hospital, the whole time hoping I would feel something. I got to the hospital and was buzzed in and went to the nurses station. I told them that I hadn't felt my baby move since last night at dinner. They directed me to a room and I changed and waited. I was at peace all alone in that room. The nurse came in, after what seemed like forever, and took out the fetal heart monitor. She tried for a while but could never find a heartbeat. I then decided to phone my husband to come to the hospital that something wasn't right. The nurse took out the ultrasound machine and tried to see something that way, but nothing. She told me that the ultrasound machine was older so it would be a good idea to have the ultrasound tech take a better look. She led me to the cold room and I laid on the table. I turned to look at the wall, hoping that she would find a heartbeat. She did all his measurements first, but turned to me and said, " I'm sorry, I can't find a heartbeat." The nurse looked at me and asked if I wanted a wheelchair. I said"No" and walked the long hallway back to my room. I laid there for a while, crying, and scared. I called my mom and she was screaming back at me on the phone. It finally felt real. My husband walked in shortly afterwards. He looked at me and I said, "He's gone." He broke down. My husband was such a solid person and to see him break down was hard for me. My sister and husband came and she just ran up and hugged me. Then his parents came. The nurse came in and was asking if we knew which mortuary we wanted and what we would like him to wear. I just looked at my husband. I didn't feel that I could make any decisions. The room felt empty. I felt empty. My doctor finally showed up and they took me back to the OR. As we passed other rooms, a proud dad came out and gave us the thumbs up. If he only knew. They laid me on the cold operating table and began. As the drs took Taylor out, they noticed that there was a bulge in the umbilical cord. There was no knot in the cord, but the cord was pinched off where it inserted into his belly button. They cleaned him off and I wondered why they didn't try CPR, just for my sake, to see if maybe, just maybe, he would come back. They handed him to my husband, finished up with me and were wheeling me into recovery. Our families were there to meet Taylor and hold him. It was such an overwhelming moment on my life. I never thought that this would happen to me. The funeral was hard. Reality was finally sinking in. My baby was in the tiniest white coffin. He looked so at peace. Yet, not like I remember him. The HARDEST thing for me was the closing of the coffin. I buried my face into my mom and just sobbed. It's the fact that I won't see him again on this earth that I couldn't bear. I wanted to carry him home and just stare at him. I remember how cold it was, and I was so worried he was going to be cold. We had him buried in the cutest white suit, with white socks and even white sneakers. My two older children drew pictures and we placed them with Taylor. My husband likes sheep and I found a blue comfy blankie with sheep on it that we put on him. We also placed an angel coin with him, and we also have coins with us that were given to us by a friend. I didn't want to leave the cemetery. I was so afraid that he would feel alone, and cold.

I have told many that I will never be the same person. Yet, in a way, I am glad that for the changes that have taken place with me. I have more patience and understanding with my children, for I know we have them for such a short time. I cherish the little things in life. I stop and smell the flowers and enjoy the occasional sunset. I am closer to the Savior and the sacrifice that Heavenly Father made to let us have eternal families. I know that without this sacrifice I would lost. I know that the more love we have for each other and bring to our homes, the more we will have those sweet spirits with us. Do you have love at home?

First Post

Our sweet baby boy was stillborn on December 2, 2006. I can remember the day as if it were yesterday. He wasn't moving the night before and I assumed that he was sleeping. When I went to the hospital that next morning, he was gone. I could play the WHAT IF game, but I figure that wouldn't bring my baby back. He was soo perfect. In fact he was TOO perfect for this earth. He is my guardian angel. My kids have a special angel watching over them. I am lucky that I was the one that carried him in my womb. I felt the kicking and the hiccups. I experienced the heartburn and the morning sickness. I knew that every night at 10pm, he was the most active and was doing somersaults and flips. I was the lucky one that got to know him the best. I feel sad for my husband and for my children that weren't able to experience that bond with him before he went on to a more important mission. He will always be my special missionary, for it took losing him to get us back to the Temple. When we found out that he was a boy, I was ecstatic. I knew that I always wanted 2 boys and 1 girl. My husband and I had met and known each other 4 days before we knew that we wanted 3 kids. But, something in the back of my mind was saying that I needed to have a girl. I was DONE at 3 kids. Taylor would be the last of our perfect 2 boys and 1 girl. But my plan was wrong. I wonder sometimes if Taylor left this world so that his little sister could come. It took 9 LONG months to get pregnant after he passed away. We decided not to tell anyone due to the fact that so many things can go wrong. We found out we were having his little sister on Dec 17, 2007 just 1 day before my husbands birthday. We have been extremely blessed to have our perfect 4 children. I miss him so much sometimes that I can't breathe. How my life would be soo different. I will never ever be the SAME. Yet, I think that I have changed for the better. I take each day. Each hour. Each second, as if it were my last. He has taught me to less selfish, to be more understanding and patient. He has taught me the importance of FAMILIES ARE FOREVER. I love him with ALL my heart and will be posting often of the happiness and sadness along this journey.